Happy Monday! What better way to jump-start your week than getting a few giggles from the disgustingly delightful animal jokes below? We’ve gathered three of the grossest jokes we could scour from across the internet.
We’d like to apologize in advance for joke #3. (you can’t say we didn’t warn ya!)
The Pet Rabbit
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.
He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.
He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”
The guy stammers and says, “Um… no… what happened?”
The neighbor replies, “We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some really sick people out there!”
A Statue’s Greatest Wish
Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years.
An angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”The statues came to life and smiled at each other.
They ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”
Giggling, the female statue said, “Sure, but this time, you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on its head!”
A Monkey Learns an Important Lesson
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar.
Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”
“Sorry,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I’ll pay for everything.”
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he’s in the bar with his pet monkey, again.
He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar.
The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“Yeah,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first.”